Anger
Anger is a natural, normal emotion that often lets you know that something is wrong, or that there is a problem. People who manage anger well stay in control while using their anger to solve problems. People who do not manage anger well either stuff or ignore their anger, or use their anger as a cue to attack, berate, or control others.
People generally fall into one of four categories when they are expressing their anger:
1. Assertive – standing up for your own rights without hurting others. Assertive
people use anger to set boundaries and solve problems.
2. Aggressive - putting yourself first at the expense of others. Aggressive people
tend to use anger to get their way or to intimidate others.
3. Passive - putting others first at your own expense. Passive people tend to stuff
their anger resulting in depression or sudden blow-ups.
4. Passive/Aggressive – holding anger in until you blow up or finding
ways to subtly get back at others. Passive/aggressive people tend to resent
others and find ways to vent their anger subtly, for example by “forgetting†to
do things they have agreed to do.
If you tend to blow-up when you are angry, understanding the following biological phases of anger may assist in getting anger under control:
The Button Phase:
This is a reaction or "trigger"; to a verbal or non-verbal behaviour of another person or thing. The messages you say to yourself often determines whether or not you become angry or aggressive. The bottom line is, how you respond to a trigger in the Button Phase is your responsibility.
The Escalation Phase:
Psychologists call this the "flight or fight"; stage. It is the body's natural and automatic reaction to an environmental stress. You will likely experience any number of biological reactions: increased heart beat, shaking, sweaty palms, increased strength, red-face, increased breathing, tense muscles, sharp eye movement, or an increased vigilance of the surrounding environment. These biological changes prepare your body to react. It is during the button and escalation phase when you have the best opportunity to choose one of many short-cuts to avoid moving on to the explosion phase.
The Explosion Phase:
At this phase, the body usually explodes into action. Your judgment has been significantly reduced during this phase and decisions lack reasoning ability.
The Frustration Phase:
At the frustration phase you have exploded and likely are paying for the behaviour. You may have offended, pressured, or frightened someone. You may begin to feel sorry, embarrassed, bad, responsible, or hurt as you begin to recall your behaviour or words. In addition, your body is starting to recover from the sudden physical and emotional exertion. Your ability to think is also starting to recover.
The Sadness Phase:
After the adrenalin high, there is a low. The sadness phase is a direct result of the body's need to recover from the rush of adrenalin and the physical exertion which occurred. For a short period even your heart rate may drop below normal levels. Increased thinking about the explosion often results in intensified feelings of guilt, regret, or sadness.
Things You Can Do to Avoid Reaching the Explosion Phase!
1. Know your buttons!
One of the best defenses is knowing your buttons. Examine what it is about this situation that gets you so angry. Look for a way to use this information to help you problem solve. The goal is to set your own boundaries, not to control or manipulate others.
2. Reflect
Reflect back on a recent event when you exploded and see if you can determine a point when you could have turned things around. Pay particular attention to your thoughts that may have escalated the situation.
3. Know How to Take Responsibility
Accept the fact you made a mistake and then take responsibility for the mistake. This diffuses anger, helps resist lying, or making up weak excuses that only make people angrier.
4. Take a time out
Taking a time out is taking responsibility for yourself. Leave only long enough to calm down and think things through, then return with the goal to problem solve.
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