Children and Divorce
A child's self concept is affected not so much by
family structure as by the quality of familial relationships. After a separation,
maintaining the quality of the relationship with both parents is important.
Living in an intact nuclear family characterized by tension and alienating
conflict can cause greater emotional stress and lower self-concept in children
than living in a supportive sole-parent family.
Children may experience a loss of identity as a member
of an intact family along with the loss of daily interaction with one of their
parents. Given time, this will resolve. During and after a separation, children
typically feel guilty, depressed, and anxious.
Children of divorce often suffer economic deprivation
and cannot participate in some activities because parents who divorce have less
disposable income – single mom’s in particular.
Children of divorce may experience many abrupt and
concurrent changes in their lives.
The greater the number of changes, the greater the
amount of adjustment time required.
Girls appear to adjust better and quicker than boys with boys
tending to "act out" and girls tending to "act in". By two
years post-divorce, households generally stabilize and routines are accepted.
At five years most children come through the experience fairly well with
excellent to good psychological health.
While the
divorce process does produce short-term reaction, longer term adjustment problems
are NOT caused by the divorce per se but by the following circumstances:
1. When the parents use verbal and physical aggression
towards each other
2. poor adjustment of the custodial parent
3. loss of parental relationship. Children seem to
adjust better and feel more satisfied when their relationships with BOTH
parents are maintained and nurtured.
Age Related Reactions to
Separation...Maybe
Infants and Toddlers - less than 3 years
Babies are less affected by the divorce than by what
they sense from their parents in terms of: distress; emotional unavailability,
and changes to their routine. Babies may become more demanding or withdrawn.
The toddler may regress and exhibit separation anxiety. They may have sleep problems
or nightmares, and may become more aggressive and have tantrums. Symptoms are
generally temporary. The impact on the baby or toddler is reduced once
stability, consistency, and nurturing are restored.
Preschoolers - 3-5 years old
The child may fear being abandoned and may become
clingy and anxious. The child may blame themselves or feel that they caused the
divorce.
Early Middle Childhood - 6-8 years old
Children's reactions are characterized by sadness.
They may be tearful, have nightmares, yearn and grieve for the non-custodial,
be unable to concentrate and
develop unclear aches and pains in their body. Children may feel responsible
for the marriage breakup.
Latency Age Children - 9-12 years old
Children can get caught up in the intensity of the
separation process - they may experience loyalty conflicts and are vulnerable
to consciously or unconsciously being involved "in the middle" of
their parents' issues. Children may align with one parent and show great
compassion. Children may blame one parent and express a great deal of anger
toward him or her. This may impact strongly on the relationship the child has
with the custodial parent, causing behaviour problems or conflict around visitation.
Adolescence - 13-18 years
Adolescents may feel angry, betrayed and ashamed of
parents who are in a sense usurping their adolescent role i.e. the parents are
leaving home, adjusting to their rediscovered sexuality, or experimenting with
a new image. Both parents tend to become more permissive. The adolescent may misbehave,
or fueled by anger may rebel and leave school, experiment with drugs, or sex.
Adolescent girls seem more vulnerable to premature sexual activity. Money may
become a source of tension if the separation is accompanied by a decrease in
the standard of living, or parental conflict over finances.
Where Can I Go for Support?
· Parents
Together, Carmen Coltman, 562-6639.
· Parents
in Crisis, call The Crisis Centre 563-1214 for information.
There are groups run by various agencies (The E. Fry
Society, The Child Development
Centre, Intersect, Rainbows, etc.), for children who
are experiencing separation.
Books for Children
· Brown, L.K. (1986). Dinosaurs divorce: A guide for
changing families.
Atlantic Monthly.
· Gardner, R.A. (1988). The boys and girls book about
divorce.
· Hazen, B.H. (1978). Two homes to live in: A child's
eye view of divorce. Los
Angeles: Human Sciences Press.
Books for Adults
· Dodson, F. (1987). How to single parent.
· Forrai, M.
S. (1976). A look at divorce,
· Gardner, R.
A. (1991). The
parent's book about divorce.
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