Learn to be Comfortable with Questions about Sexuality

Very early on, children learn from their parents reactions about topics that are permissible in the family.  When it comes to sex, children perceive very quickly if the topic is "taboo".  Children will react to how the parent responds to sex questions based upon their personality and sense of boundaries. Some children will go elsewhere for information, some children will feel okay about asking questions, some children will ask one parent and not the other, and other children may use this to manipulate their parents.

What If I Don't Know How To Talk With My Teenager?

This may seem obvious, but learn to talk with your teen in small success oriented steps.

It is never too late to begin talking with your teen.  It may be difficult, uncomfortable, or awkward for you, but you are the adult.  The easy thing is to do nothing - but it is also the least effective!

The following are some ideas to help you begin learning how to talk with your teen:

Seven things not to do when your child or teen surprises you with a sex question.

  1. Don’t: Immediately answer assuming you understand the question.
  2. Don’t: Make the answer long and complicated.
  3. Don’t: Show discomfort or embarrassment to the point the child feels bad, or the teen tries to comfort you!
  4. Don’t: Use humour to laugh off the question.
  5. Don’t: Deflect from the question to a different topic hoping the child will forget.
  6. Don’t: Believe you must answer the question immediately.
  7. Don’t: Use words that confuse. For example wee-wee instead of penis, or bagos instead of breasts, doing-it instead of intercourse.

What are Teens Telling Parents?

A survey conducted by The National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy (2000) asked teens what parents could do to prevent teen pregnancies.  Teens give the following guidelines to parents:

Talk to us honestly about love, sex, and relationships. Teens need to know that a relationship is based upon four interactional components that are all important: companionship, intimacy, sharing, and sex.

Telling us not to have sex is not enough. We must tell teens why they should wait to have sex. For example, physical development, STD’s, additional responsibility, reputation, and religious values.

If we ask you about sex or birth control, don’t assume we are already having sex. Sometimes teens are asking because they’re having sex; other times, they’re just curious. A teen who is asking for birth control is being responsible. 

Pay attention to us before we get into trouble. Build upon positive behaviour rather than only finding time for the negative.

We really care what you think, even if we don’t always act like it. Kids really want to hear from parents. They may not do exactly as we say, but our ideas help them make good choices. Building upon positive behaviour reinforces that behaviour.

Show us what good responsible relationships look like. Sharing, caring, and communicating are best taught by demonstration. One of the most important things parents can do is take good care of their relationship and model (not just talk) how this is done.

We hate the talk as much as adults do. Teens want adults to start conversation about sexuality when they’re young and keep it going. There are numerous books available that a parent can use to help maintain discussions with children throughout their formative years and into adolescence.
 

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