Touch

Touch in Loving Relationships: Creating Safety, Showing Affection, & Improving Sexuality

This article may be freely copied and distributed provided that the references and author contact information are included, and provided that no charge is made for copying or distribution.

Blaine Powel, Family Therapist, Walmsley and Associates, 1512 Queensway St, Prince George, BC V2L 1L7

This handout has been developed to help couples increase affection in their relationship with non-sexual touching, and for couples who are working to improve their sexual functioning.

Touch is a powerful form of communication in a relationship and can be helpful (warmth and closeness) and harmful (battering). Thus, this handout is for couples who are committed to their relationship; who are open to learning more about self and other, and; who wish to improve their affection and sexuality. There may be other factors (abuse, couple or family conflict, addictions, emotional availability, etc.) that need to be resolved in therapy before the couple considers these exercises.

Touch in a Loving Relationship

Early on in a relationship, most couples touch a lot. Touch becomes a method of communicating interest, affection, closeness, exclusiveness, sexuality, pleasure, and comfort to name a few. The early stages of a relationship often set up the foundation for what touch means to the couple. Meaning leads to expectations and behaviours. These reactions to touch are additionally influenced by life long experiences that are brought to and develop in the relationship (Reiss, 1986). Usually after a year or so, couples report that there is less touch in their relationship. They have often settled into routines, assumptions, and developed a personal meaning and reaction to touch from their partner.

We know touch influences and effects many things. Researchers report that it can positively influence everything from migraine headaches, (Hernandez-Reif, Field, Dieter, Swerdlow. & Diego 1998), depression (Malphurs, Raag, Field, Pickens, & Pelaez-Nogueras 1996; Field, Grizzle, Scafidi, & Schanberg, 1996), repercussions of sexual abuse, (Field, Hernandez-Reif, Hart, Quintino, Drose, Field, Kuhn, & Schanberg 1997) to fibromyalgia (Field, Delage, & Hernandez-Reif, 2003).

Touch is a powerful communication medium in family relationships as well. Can you imagine what it would be like to grow up with never being comforted by your Mother and Father? In a sexual relationship, touch is even more powerful and complicated because in addition, it is used to express desire and love.

It doesnt take long for a couples time together to be influenced by dual careers, the raising of children, extended family, and financial and work demands. Spending time nurturing the couple relationship over the years can take a back seat to lifes demands, especially when children are introduced into a relationship. Over time and due to busyness, couples may only touch as a precursor to making love. In fact, frequently, women report they enjoy touch in their relationship but often receive touches as an invitation to make love.

Rarely do couples report talking about touch and learning in a safe way how and when to touch each other. While most women enjoy sexual touches from their partner, women report they enjoy non-sexual, warm and close touches even more so, but find their partners touch often includes a sexual component that carries a sexual message thus spoiling the warmth and closeness of the moment. Over time, many women report touching their partners less for fear of their partner thinking it is a sexual invitation. As well they report rejecting their partners touch because it always leads to sex.

Men say that touch is important to them too! Men tend to be visual and are attracted to how their partner looks. Men in many cases see themselves as initiators or feel they are expected to initiate sex. Thus when visually attracted to their partner, they may use touch to express sexual desire to their partner. Men also report they would like their partner to initiate sex more often. When a man creates a pattern of touching his partner with a sexual innuendo, then his touch may be rejected or even feared. With men this can lead to feelings of rejection, anger, resentment, or the pursuer / distancer cycle.

Eventually, if a couple do not resolve the messages they give and receive via touch, they may find themselves reluctant to touch in connecting ways because the only touch they use is to convey the sexual message, I want to make love how about it?

Goal of this Handout

Regardless of your age or the length of your relationship - all couples can benefit from the following exercises. The goals of this handout are:

The first two Stages specifically focus on non-sexual touch. Stages 3 and 4 are modelled after sensate focus exercises for couples who are working to improve their sexual functioning.

What is Sensate Focus?

Sensate focus is a series of specific exercises that encourages each partner to take turns paying attention to their senses by practising touching each other. It was initially developed by Masters and Johnson at the Kinsey Institute in the late 1960s to help with sexual dysfunction. It remains a valuable exercise for couples learning to over come sexual difficulties.

The methods and rationale developed for sensate focus are used throughout this handout to learn about non-sexual as well as sexual touch. Non-sexual touch is learning how to connect with your partner using appropriate touch in a variety of situations. As well, it can be used to learn about the importance and power of non-sexual touch in a loving relationship. In this handout, touch is broken down into non-sexual and sexual touch exercises with specific goals.

Rationale

Touch is powerful in a relationship and it is important to learn how it affects you and your partner. By freeing up couples to practice and discuss how they experience sexual and non-sexual touch, it can provide safety and a positive learning experience. This frees each partner from the pressure to produce an adequate response in him- or herself or in his or her partner. Learning how to connect with each other without sending sexual messages is important to learn so both partners can be affectionate with each other privately and in front of others (children, in public, privately). The exercises in Stages 1 and 2 are specifically to learn how to touch in non-sexual ways.

At other times, changes in health, poor sexual education, biological problems, or traumatic experiences may underlie sexual problems in a relationship. As well, couples frequently make assumptions or guesses about what their partner likes without conversation because of shyness, afraid the other might be hurt, feeling vulnerable, or it feels too personal. Stages 3 and 4 that follow introduce sexual touching exercises.

With all of these exercises, permission is given to explore giving and receiving pleasure. Thus, a learning experience is established whereby pleasurable responses are reinforced, sexual anxiety is diminished, and the fear of failure is removed.

The dynamics of the couple's sexual problems is a therapeutic feature of sensate focus. It has been shown that when gently caressing each other, the couple may be confronted with one or both partners' anxiety about physical intimacy (affection that is not sexual), and/or sexual intimacy, thus sexual arousal and orgasm are not goals of these exercises.

Both the anxiety that is aroused and the defenses that anxiety elicits become important avenues for therapeutic exploration, and can be very important in understanding and improving a couple's relationship in general. A positive outcome of these exercises is usually a significant positive influence with sexual functioning.

When a couple is learning to touch it is important to access a trained sex therapist for Stages 3 & 4. There are inventories (Taylor-Johnson Temperament Analysis, LoPiccolo Sexual Inventory, Touch Continuum, Marital Satisfaction Inventory, to name a few) and exercises that a couple might complete to further help them be successful with specific problems such as vaginismus, erectile dysfunction, pre-mature ejaculation, diabetes, paraplegic damage, or a history of sexual abuse. If you are using this handout to improve your sexual functioning; education and an opportunity to discuss your experiences, reactions, and feelings with a trained sex therapist is essential.

While there is reference to male and female interaction in these exercises, the process is the same for same sex couples.

Safety

Establishing a sense of emotional safety for each person is essential (this discussion is usually with your therapist). Each partner may have different feelings and reactions with touch, therefore, the couple must first talk about and agree how to start and limit the exercise. You must always start at a place that is safe and comfortable for both partners. There could be biological (painful intercourse, erectile problems, diabetes,) physical (quadriplegic, nerve damage, physical deformities as a result of an accident) and psychological (history of abuse, myths, faulty beliefs, poor education, etc.) difficulties that need to be discussed, managed, and accepted.

Some things to consider and to discuss:

If in doubt, talk with a therapist about how to build safety and success. Why is it important to start at a successful place?

An example of starting at a safe place.

A couple may decide to stay at Stage 3 for some time. First they might complete Stage 3 keeping their clothes on, then repeat Stage 3 with their under garments on, next take their tops off completing Stage 3, repeat Stage 3 nude, and finally repeat the exercise taking each others clothes off.

Preparation for Each Session

Prior to each touching session take turns preparing the environment, or do this together. Talk about and consider the following when preparing:

How to Give and Receive Touch

There are numerous ways to touch each other limited by your creatively and of course sense of safety. Some ideas are presented under Some Touching Ideas in this handout. For most of these exercises when touching begins, you will take the role of Giver or Receiver and then reverse roles.

1. Receiver: For each exercise, the person being touched pays attention to the following:

2. Giver: For each exercise, the person touching pays attention to the following:

Reflecting After Each Session

At some point after you have completed a session (i.e. you have both completed a & b in Stage 2), talk about your experience. The reflection times indicated in the Stages that follow are to take place before moving to another practice session. So, if you complete a, b, c, & d of Stage 2 in one session then reflect at the end of d. However, if you complete a & b in session one, then reflect before starting c & d.

Some say wait up to a day before reflecting so you can just enjoy and focus on the sensations. Others suggest it can be important to include this as part of the process immediately after the touching session so that memories are clear. Do what fits best for you as a couple. Try both ways and decide for yourselves. Reflection may include showing you partner specifically how with hand-over-hand instruction and guidance.

The following questions are meant to stimulate conversation (during reflection) after each session for Stages 1 to 4. You do not need to answer all the questions, nor are you limited to these questions or thoughts.

Here are some questions to use as discussion topics when you reflect with each other:

Stages

Decide on a time to complete an exercise. The length of time should be at least 15 minutes (preferably 30) as the Giver and then 15 minutes as the Receiver, plus reflection time. For example, Stage 1, part a Standing Up it would be 15 minutes as the Giver and then 15 minutes as the Receiver, and 15 minutes for reflecting together. Book session times to practice at least weekly.

Please note that Stage 1 is a bit different than stages two and three.

Stage 1 Connecting Touches

Instructions for Stage 1

This exercise is to learn how to touch affectionately without sending sexual messages. You are to be fully clothed. You are to touch in connecting ways that please you, not only in ways you expect your partner will like. An expectation is that partners are free to experiment with touch during this exercise.

Exercise Process (take turns being the Giver and Receiver):

  1. Standing up taking turns: i) Hug, ii), Touch the person on the shoulder, iii) Touch the others elbow, iv) Standing side-by-side, put your arm around their waist, v) Their shoulder, and vi) Hold hands, etc.
  2. Sitting down on a couch taking turns: i) Hold hands, ii) Put your hand on their leg, iii) Cuddle, iv) Put your arm around the shoulder, and v) Hug, etc.
  3. Mutual touching: To practice a more natural or real life form of physical interaction because people don't usually take turns touching and being touched. Practice a and b again by taking turns starting and reacting to a touch. The Giver is to touch in a way that they would like, and the Receiver in a way that feels right as a response.
  4. With Mutual Touching, add and experiment with other touches and other places. After you have built a mutual understanding of how to touch each other with comfort, try expanding it to other touches and places. For example, the mall, your partners back, your partners hair, walking down the street, fixing a collar, in front of your children or family.

Goals:

Reminders:

Questions:

Stage 2 Head to Toe Touching - No Genital Touching

  1. Partner A Face Down 15 minutes
  2. Partner B Face Down 15 minutes
  3. Reflection 15-30 minutes (if this ends the practice session)
  4. Partner B Face Up 15 minutes
  5. Partner A Face Up 15 minutes
  6. Reflection 45-60 minutes for a to d in one session. Otherwise 15-30 minutes

Stage 2 Additional Information and Reminders

There are a number of goals and reminders for Stage 2.

Goals

Reminders

Stage 3 Head to Toe Touching Plus Genital Touching

Caution! With this stage it is wise to be working with a sex therapist to build success and address emotional or psychological reactions.

Exercise Process:

Stage 3 Additional Information and Reminders

Goals

Reminders

Stage 4 Mutual Touching

Caution! With this stage it is wise to be working with a sex therapist to build success and address emotional or psychological reactions. In Stage 4 there are some additional exercises that are specifically used to help with sexual problems (see below).

Exercise Process:

  1. Lying down. Touch each other spontaneously 15-30 minutes.
  2. Reflection 15-30 minutes.
  3. Woman on top 15-30 minutes.
  4. Reflection 15-30 minutes.
  5. Man on top 15-30 minutes.
  6. Reflection 15-30 minutes.

Stage 4 - Additional Information and Reminders

Goals

Reminders

Female-On-Top / Male-on-Top Mutual Touching.

This exercises are briefly described and need to be explored with a sex therapist before proceeding. After practicing the mutual touching while nude, the next stage of sensate focus is at some point to move into the female-on-top position without attempting insertion of the penis into the vagina. Women who experience vaginismus should start with the female-on-top position. The woman has control of how, when, and can progress in stages that suite her. The woman can rub the penis against her clitoral region, vulva and vaginal opening regardless of whether or not there is an erection>.

In a subsequent session, she may progress to putting the tip of the penis into the vagina if there is an erection. When she gets to this stage there should be no thrusting. When the penis is in her vagina, regardless how far, she is to focus on her sensations, feelings, pictures, self-talk, body reactions, etc. for later discussion in therapy. By focusing on the physical sensations she may stop or move back to non-genital touching if either partner becomes orgasm oriented, anxious, or if she becomes fearful. These exercises need to be repeated a few times to build confidence and comfort. Eventually a woman may invite a love making session proceeding to full intercourse without difficulty.

After the female-on-top exercises have been completed successfully, move to the male-on-top position. Repeat the exercises as noted above. Men who have problems getting and maintaining an erection, start with having a woman on top, then move to the man on top and repeat the exercise again. With couples where the man premature ejaculates, you will need to talk with your therapist about techniques that can be practiced, such as the pinching technique, use of muscle tension, etc.

Some Touching Ideas

The point here is to focus on the pleasure of touching your partner; not to try and give pleasure. Using other materials can expand this experience. Think about how it feels to stroke hard or soft, long strokes or short ones. Learn to use what you have - your hair, tongue, feet, blow lightly, back of your hands, fingertips, nose, nipples, palms, or elbow.

Collect different materials for experimenting. A silk or leather glove, blindfold, some fur, a feather, ice cubes, honey, lubricants, water, massage oil or body lotion. Focus totally on your sensations of touch. Think about the different textures and temperatures of your partner's body.

Purchase a vibrator you both can use. Is it easily cleaned? Can you vary vibrations? Is it quiet enough for you? Is it comfortable in your hand? Is electric or battery preferred? Touch it to your nose to see if it feels right? Can it be used on different parts of the body (head, thighs, genitals)?

Summary

These fairly simple techniques are used as part of a comprehensive program of therapy and can have a dramatic effect, even in cases where severe sexual dysfunction has been present for many years. Professionals generally agree that there are various dynamics to account for the profound effects of these seemingly simple exercises. For one, sensate focus exercises are a form of desensitization whereby a feared situation is gradually mastered by breaking it into discrete steps that are experienced under safe conditions.

Furthermore, the explicit instruction against sexual arousal and orgasm frees each partner of the pressure to produce an adequate sexual response in him- or herself or in his or her partner. It is also important that they are given permission to experience pleasure. Thus, sensate focus is a learning experience whereby pleasurable responses are reinforced and sexual anxiety is diminished because the fear of failure is removed.

An additional therapeutic feature of sensate focus relates to the dynamics of the couple's sexual problems. Masters and Johnson, along with renowned sex therapist Helen Singer Kaplan, noted that in gently caressing each other, the couple might be confronted with one or both partners' anxiety about physical intimacy. Both the anxiety that is aroused and the defenses this anxiety elicits become important avenues for therapeutic exploration, and can be very important in understanding and improving a couple's relationship in general, which most likely will have a significant influence on their sexual functioning.

Possible Resources

References